Its been kind of a roller coaster last couple of days here in the great state of north Carolina. I really haven’t been sure if I should tighten the seatbelt or just throw my hands up and scream. We got some really bad news about my g-ma (who is not technically my g-ma, but my pa’s third wife who happens to have been my real g-ma’s BFF her whole life, so she really is part of our family). She is 95 years old and suffers from dementia. She’s taken some really bad turns lately and is not expected to recover. Its been hard especially for my mom, as she watched her mother suffer thru her last few days many many years ago. A time I vaguely remember, but mostly just in parts and pieces.
You never really know what kinds of emotions lie just beneath the surface and when they might come out. I pulled up to the wall during a swim set on Friday and found that I was crying in the pool. Times like this really make you question your life and what is important to you. Saturday proved to be the toughest day of all when I skipped a group ride and instead sulked on the coach for a good hour just not wanting to get on my bike. I had no motivation and zero mental capacity to go ride for a few hours. But I ended up mustering up something and headed out. sometimes that turns out to be a good thing – keeping to the things that are familiar to you.
I had to laugh a bit Saturday night as one of my friends was turning 30 and throwing a bash. Me not wanting to be a total buzz kill decided to skip the party and just kind of veg and let the events of the past few days settle out. ok so here is the funny part.. my 96 (to be 97 in 2 months) year old pa went to a birthday party that night at the complex where he lives. Yes I was home watching movies and he was out on the town. Now that my friends is funny.
Sunday morning I had a great run with Bri. She is so easy to talk to and really has a good vibe going on. Oh and some steller running form I was trying to emulate… post run bobby and I thought it would be good to try out the bike rack we got for my car to use on the trip to FL. Bad idea. not the bike rack but rather the installation with lack of direction done by 2 people with completely different visions. That. was. A . fiasco. Enough said.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts going into florida this weekend. How am I going to race when my mind is heavy with emotion. How will it be to see my grandpa? (he lives about an hour from the race). I’ve been kind of blocking a lot of it out and I think its catching up with me as I had a dream last night about the day before the race and having an OH SH*T moment about 5 pm that yes, I was in deed signed up for a race the next day and had yet to prepare. It’s time now to turn that thinking around. And focus on some positives.
Thanks to everyone for your prayers and kind words. Once again this sport has not let me down but in fact helped to bring my spirits up.
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5 comments:
I am sorry to hear you are having some tough patches. don't worry about crying, pulling out, turning around- just a part of our lives. I remember going through some of those things when my pop pop had a stroke earlier in the year and then passed away- I just couldn't focus on training. I take my love for others and use it to carry me in races. So, at the end of the race in Florida (or even during it), give thanks silently to the people you love ( still here with you or in heaven) for helping you get through another day and race- because you know they are proud of you. sorry if that reads as one huge run on sentence- you know how i tend to write like that....
So sorry to hear about all this going on Kari. It's tough to focus when you have other things on your mind! But don't be too hard on yourself and when it comes time to race this weekend you will be able to put that mind in the right frame! Take care and best of luck this weekend! I hope you (and the bike :) make it down to FL safely!! :)
Thank you so much for your comment, it was super sweet and exactly what I needed to hear. I just read your blog and am very sorry to hear about g-ma. My grandma suffered from dementia and it was so hard and especially hard to see my mother deal with it. I wish you well this upcoming weekend with seeing your grandpa and your race.
You've put in all the training and your body knows what to do. You'll just have to quiet your mind come race day and just GO. Stay cool!! Ice in the hat and all that good stuff.
It's great that you will be able to spend a bit of time with your grandma and grandpa. Enjoy that.
I liked your comment on my blog. I need to 'save the drama for my mama!' oh wait...
Oh Kari! I am sorry about your Gma. Dementia is a really really hard one to see and accept. HAng in there and know that i cried all day and cried on my trainer when Iona died and she is just a dog. ( comeon. JUST A DOG?!)
Rich and i always have major um..communication...issues on packing the car or rack installation. It has been best for me to "STEP AWAY from the car" and nobody gets hurt, feelings or bodily harm. I had to laugh at that one. Of course sometimes it is whose bike gets the Primo position on the rack, etc...I usually win :)
Race as you feel you are able, and maybe as you have said just trust in your ability and let go of the emotion till you hit the finish. Ok sorry so wordy:)
Hugs:)
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